Comparison among kids by Mrs Sonia

We always want our kids to be the best, to excel in every field. For that, we often compare them with other kids. One thing that we must consider is that no one is perfect. Let the kids explore their field of interest so that they can excel in it.

We asked Mrs Sonia to share her views about the comparison in kids. Here, she shares her best answers with us.

What makes parents compare their children? What is the mindset behind all this comparison?

See, what I feel, the mindset is, you know, the societal pressure they have. Every parent want their child to be at number 1, they want their child to excel in each and every field. But then, they need to understand that every child is different, every child has its own qualities, every child has its own talent, so you should not force on the child, your benchmarks. You should always see what your child is good at. You should always see what he wants to do. So, this is basically the societal pressure that, you know, makes the parents compare the children with other children, and you know, force them to do, you know, what they want to.

You know, healthy competition is very good, but then, if you compare your child with the other child, you should always know that your child is different than the other person’s child. There might be a chance that your child is not good in studies but she is good in maybe arts or music or dance. There are very rare children who are all-rounder, they are academically good, they are good at dance, they are good at, you know, singing and all, but then, not every child is equal. Every child has its own, you know, own field in which he can excel. So we should not force our benchmarks on them that you need to achieve this, you need to achieve that. By making this, you are definitely taking your child to, you know, wrong direction.

What separates a healthy competition with comparison?

You know, you can always tell your child that (“beta, aapko itna acha toh karna ki at least mumma, papa ko proud feel kara sako.” There are always two ways, you know, of making your child understand- one- you know, scold him that you know, you have to do it, you have to do it. (Agar aap nahi karoge toh bohot dikatt hoga, mai bahar… Maine kayi parents, mummies ko maine dekha hai, in fact, Myra ke school main bhi kayi mummies apne bachho ko bohot compare karti hai ki nahi, mujhe kitty party me jana hai, vaha sab mujhse puchenge toh mai kya jawab dungi). Don’t have to tell your child, you know, (mujhe ye karna hai toh, aapki vajh se mera naam kharab hojayega, aapki vajh se ye hojayega). You should always tell your child (ki beta utne toh acha karna aap ki aage kuch kar pao, aage koi proper ek field aap pakad pao, aap itna toh acha kar sakte ho ki mumma papa ko proud feel karao). You know, there are always two ways of telling a child. So, you know, healthy competition is, you know, you should tell your child to achieve at least this much (ki vo apne liye kuch space bana sake, apne liye ek, matlab,) teacher should recognise your child. (Utna toh kar hi sake baccha.) But, you know, you should not tell them to get 90, above 90 per cent, (vo ek jo hum baccho pe ek dabav dalte hai, vo chiz nahi honi chahiye. Vo aap bacche ko jabardasti dhakel rahe ho ek competative world main. Uski vajah se bachon mein depression aata hai, low self esteem, confidence low, bohot saari chize hoti hai.) So, you should not do like that.

How should we encourage the parents so that they can accept the uniqueness of their children?

Obviously. You know, you should understand (ki har bacche ki apne quality hai, har bacche ka Apna interest hai, area of interest. Kuch bacche arts mein acche hai, kuch mucis mein acche hai, kuch dance mein ache hai. Aur aaj kal toh aisa nahi hai ki academically jo bacha acha ho bas wahi acha karta hai. Bohot sari field hai, jaise ki mai apne time ki baat karu), when we were, we used to be kids, there were very limited, you know, resources, (bohot kam aesi fields thi. Forever humare parents bhi thoda sa an), you know, they used to be scared, (ki hum bacchon ko itna bahar nhi bhej sakte, aur, but, aaj kal toh parents khud bhi itne supportive hai, jis bacche ko jis chiz mein interest hota hai, parents khud hi usko boltye hai. Aur itne jyada sources bhi hai ki aap bachon ko aage leke ja sakte ho, art-and-craft ke liye, dance ke liye, music ke liye), there are so many sources, good platforms where in you can encourage your child. And it’s not that (ki agar bacha academically, dekho, padhayi) is very important; I am not saying that, so don’t take me wrong that studies are not important. Studies should be the priority first, but then, you should also realize that your child is good at different things. You should encourage your child in that. Maybe, (vo apna career us hi ko bana le aage jake. Ab toh aisi koi problem bhi nahi hai. Ab toh aisa koi, mere khayal se ab har field ke alag alag platforms hai jisme aap bache ko encourage karke aage leke ja sakte ho.)

How to respond when a child notices differences in others?

You should always inculcate positive habits in your child. You should always praise them. (Matlab), if I talk about myself, I always tell Myra, no, you are good at this, you are good at that. You know, that brings positivity in the child. (Vo khud ko kuch samajhta hai. Use lagta ki hai ki nahi, mere mein kuch hai. Agar aap bache ko baar baar bologo, “tu ye nahi kar sakta, tu vi nahi kar sakta), you are not good at your studies, you are not good at singing, you are not good at...” whatever, then, you know, you are actually making your child depressed, feel depressed. He doesn’t develop sense of respect for you as well, he doesn’t develop a confidence in himself, he doesn't develop, you know, he doesn’t have self esteem, he develops a low self-esteem, (jiski vajah se confidence level bahut gir jata hai), and then he or she is good at anything, they cannot do, they are uncomfortable to talk to their parents in fact. They don't know, you know, they will not come up to their parents for their small issues. (Toh), it is very important to talk to your children, it is very important to, you know, build a relationship, wherein your kid shares everything with you. So, it is very important to communicate and communicate in a positive way.

How do you manage to answer every “why” of your child?

I, if you talk about me, I never hide anything, you know, where you kill the curiosity of your child, where you try to kill the curiosity of your child, the child will find a way to know the things. You know, there are, everything is available on Google, everything is available on television, advertisements (aaj kal itni bold aati hai, internet pe bacche online classes lete hai, jarase aap gaye toh bache ne dhunda shuru kar diya). Kids are very smart nowadays. (Matlab, mai agar Myra ki baat karu, kuch chize aisi hoti hai jo vo mujhe nhi aati hai toh Myra bhi kar leti hai,) because she is very inquisitive. I never kill her curiosity, even if she asks me anything, any topic, be it any topic, any bold topic, I tell her completely, (mai usko har chiz dheere dheere discuss karti hu, aur agar kisi chiz ki mujhe lagta hai abhi age nhi hai, toh I just tell her straight forward ki beta abhi thoda time hai), I’ll tell you everything on time. And she realises (ki ha, mumma mujhe bata degi. Kyuki) I have built a relationship with her like that, (ki mai use har chiz, kabhi mai use kisi chiz ke liye mana nahi karti hu, kabhi mai use ye nhi bolti hu ki “nahi, ye aapko nahi janna” ya taal diya, ya kisi baat ko ghuma diya). So you have to build a relationship with your child. And since I have a single child, so, I make sure (ki mujhe kisi bhi chiz ko leke mai Myra ko kami nahi choodu.) She is very much bonded with her father, in fact, (wo pehle apne papa ke pass jati hai) because he responds to every cry, even faster than me. (Toh,) it’s like, two way relationship. (Agar aap bacche ke saath har chiz share karoge,) he gets frank, he shares each and everything. (Toh, Myra humare saath har chiz share karti hai, hum uski har baat ko sunte bhi hai). A child wants a good listener. You know, (agar is age me baccho ko hota ki nahi, meri baat koi sune, friends nahi, jaise lockdown ho gaya ab toh koi friends hai bhi nahi. Toh, baccho ko ye bahut rehta hai ki at least mujhe koi sunne wala ho.) You know, there are times, I have seen, in fact, in my peer group as well, when the child call the parent, then they, (“abhi, abhi badme baat karte hai, mai TV dekh raha hu, abhi baat karte hai, mai ye karra hu.”) Never ignore your child. You know, if you do like that, (vo aapke paas approach hi nahi karega kisi bhi chiz ke liye. Kyuki use humesha lagega ki aapke paas time hi nahi hai uske liye. Aap usko ek positive way main bhi bol sakte ho, agar aap busy ho toh “beta panch minute de do, mai abhi aapki baat sunta hu,”) then give hume time. Time is very important for the child. 

How it is very important to, you know, raise a child who socially behaves well?

It starts from home, I believe. (Bacha jo dekhta hai wahi sikhta hai.) You know, you are the mirror image. Aap bacche ko bolo, aap ye karo, aap vo karo, aur aap khud chiz vo, jab aap follow nahi karte na, toh bacha bhi vo nhi karega. Bacha wahi sikhta hai jo aap karte ho. Toh,) it is very important for you as well to, you know, develop those habits (jo aap apne bacche se expect nahi karte, aap vo khud bhi mat karo.) So it is very important to, you know, start these things at home. Tell them to behave, tell them to talk with respect, even if they behave badly with anyone, even if she talks with me, sometimes she is rude to me, then I don’t insult her in front of everyone (ki Myra aapne aise kyu kiya.) You should not do that. (Kyon Ki jaise humari self-respect hoti hai,) even the kids feel bad. So, you should not tell them in front of so many people, ki bacha aap ne aise kyon kiya.) You can always take them to a secular place and tell them (ki beta aap ko aise nahi karna chahiye tha. Ye respectful nahi hai. Aap iss tarike se behave karoge toh dusre kya sochenge.) So, you should always teach them with positivity, (ki bachon ko khud ko bhi naa lage ki mumma mere saath sabke saamne aise boli, aur, ye sab chizon ka aapko bhi bahut dyan rakhna padta hai. Tabhi aap bacche ko kuch sikha sakte ho.) That is most important. 

As a parent, how should you accept the imperfection of a child?

Yes, yes. It’s very important, you know,  (bahut saari habits hoti hai, matlab,) even if I talk to you about Myra, (kafi saari habits hai jo mujhe pasand nahi hai.) But then, even I’m not perfect. (Mujhme bhi kuch aise aadate hongi jo Myra ko pasand nahi hongi,) so, you should not tell your child ki, (beta aap ke ander ye galat baat hai,) you know, poking the child, again and again, (aap ye galat karte ho, aap vo galt karte ho,) you know, it again doesn’t develop the confidence ini the child. So, it is very important to be polite with your child, even if they are imperfect at a certain thing, you can always tell them in a positive manner, (ki beta aap is tarikon ko, iss chiz ko aise nahi, iss tarike se kar sakte ho,) rather than saying (ki tumne ye galat kiya.) Always tell them, always give them an alternative (ki beta agar aise karte toh jyada acha lagta.) So there are some positive ways, there are some positive lines which you can use to communicate with your child. So that is very important.

What are the consequences of excessive comparing?

See, when you compare your child, (sabse pehle toh jo bachi ke andar jealousy aa jati hai, jiske saath aap usko compare kar rahe ho.) Like I still remember, when Myra was, I think, three years old, I really wanted her to, you know, clean up the mess and (jo books usne rakhi hai usko vo sambhale. Toh,) I used to tell her (ki dekh beta, aap aise kar rahe ko, aur uski cousini hai, uska leke I used to tell her ki dekho vo har chiz sambhati hai, aap vese nahi karte ho. Toh,) you know, sooner I realized that (vo uske naam se bhi chidne lagi thi. Toh, mujhe laga ki mujhe ye nahi karna chahiye tha. Mujhe aaj bhi realize hota hai, vo din aur aaj ka din,) I don’t compare her with anyone. You know, (mujhe apne bache ko apne tarike se sambhalna hai, mujhe use apne tarike se sikhana hai, agar mai use kisi ke saath bhi compare karu, sabse pehla, uske anda jealousy aa jayegi, vo fir behaviour main bhi aa jati hai vo chiz. Vo har chiz se jealous feel, har bande se jealous feel karta hai.) So, you should not compare your child. Self esteem, which is very important, you know, the child develops a low self-esteem, (vo samjhta hai ki mere main kuch hai hi nahi. Mere parents ko dusre bache jyada ache lagte hai, mere me bahut kamiya hai, aur confidence nahi aata hai bachon ke andar.) You know, they cannot stand out, they, you know, hesitate in talking to someone, they don’t come up with their problems. There are a lot of, you know, negative impacts on their minds, which we should realize (ki hume bachon ke hisab se ye cheeze nahi karni chahiye.) Otherwise, (hum apne bacche ko kudh kharab kar rahe hai.) I still remember the day Myra was born, doctor came to me and, I don’t remember exactly, (mene usse kuch kaha, toh usne mujhe bola ki baccha ek khali cassette ki tarha hota hai. Aap uske andar jo bharoge na, wahi aayega.) So, (ha,) it’s very true, (aap bacche ko jo sikhaoge na, bacha wahi banta hai.) So, always try to build a positive relationship with your child. (Humesha bacche ko ek different tarike se aap bache ko tackle karo.) I’m not saying (bacche ziddi nahi hote, but vo ziddi bhi tab hota hai jab vo na aapne ass pass ke mahol ko dehkte hai.) There is nothing (jo bacha sikh kar aaya hai. Vo wahi sikh raha hai jaise mahol main wo rehta hai. Wo wahi sikh raha hai jaise use treatment milta hai, vo wahi sikh raha hai jaisa aap uske saath behave karte ho. So, pehle toh, aapko khud ko badalna padega. Uske baad aap bacche se expect kar sakte ho ki vo apne andar changes laye.)

Read | Bhumika Bajaj on what kind of relationship is necessary with kids

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