How to tackle a power struggle with a child positively

Teenagers are at a developmental stage where it is natural for them to defy limits. At this stage, we as parents, tend to constantly worry about their increasing need for independence. We then try to tighten previously set limits in an urge to bring them under control.  Truth is, your teenager has probably outgrown those boundaries. He is capable of a lot more independence than he was earlier. This is what leads to a power struggle.

The power struggle can be categorized into two types according to their root cause.

Types of power struggles:

1. Power struggle due to defending authority

Such, power struggle arises when the teenagers question the authority of their parents in their own lives. Teenagers, unlike little kids, are constantly searching for an identity in this world. They are achieving, failing, and gaining their share of experiences. This might harbour a sense of authority that they didn’t experience in their early childhood. They start making their own decisions in their life and get intolerant to any interference.

2. Power struggle due to the feeling of vulnerability

Sometimes, we as parents, don’t understand that there are some words that we speak unknowingly that can affect our kids. Teenagers are very sensitive to criticisms and comparisons. Some of the words like “how are you not able to do this at your age?” or “if he or she can do it, then why not you?” can really affect them. As parents, we know our kids the best and we know their strong points and as well as their weak points, if we mention their weak points on their face then they will start doing the same as a means defence. They might tell us our weak points and question our decisions. This will lead to a power struggle.

Is it necessary to get into this battle each and every time? Or are there better ways to negotiate with your teen? Most of the time we contemplate how to win the power struggle with our teenager. Winning is only a temporary solution to this, what we need is a peaceful relationship with our kids and for that, there are certain strategies that we must follow.

What are the strategies you can apply to help build a relationship based on trust, rather than having to fight it out each time?

Some tips to ease you out of the power struggle:

1. Have Rules: It helps to have a clear set of rules (not a lot of them!) that everybody needs to follow. For e.g. no television during meal times, dirty clothes to be put in the laundry basket, etc. These need to be enforced with the same strictness on everyone. So, if you think it is important for your child to eat in an environment undistracted by social media, then it is not okay for daddy to do it once in a while. If adults cannot exercise self-control, then that is the example the kid is wanting to follow. 
2. Consequences: Just as you have clear rules, also have clear consequences of breaking the rules. For e.g., If the soiled clothes lie around in bed and not in the laundry basket, certain privileges (pocket money/screen time, etc.) will be withheld. These should be spelled out beforehand so there is no room for negotiation. Also, the consequences should always be in proportion to the task. No allowance for the rest of the year because he didn’t clean his room for a day is ridiculous!
3. Pick your Battles: Your teenager is going through a phase of wanting independence. If every action of his results in resistance from his parents, he is soon going to feel dejected. Decide with your spouse on what really matters to protect your teenager’s well-being. For the rest, let it go. You will realise there are only a few matters which require you to put your foot down. When your child sees you being okay with his point of view 6 out of 10 times, he will be more open to paying heed to your advice for the remaining four.  
4. Maintain your Composure: A power struggle will happen only if both sides engage in it. Decide to back off when your teen tries to pull you into one. High emotions only make everyone involved feel hurt in the end. That is not how you want your baby to feel.
5. Make them Responsible: Teens are at the brink of adulthood. Hence the desire to take responsibility.  Wherever they offer to take responsibility, don’t curb them by saying, “you are too young for this” or “I know better”.
6. Let them Make Mistakes: Once they take responsibility for a task, avoid the urge to tell them the best way to do it. It is better to learn through trial and error because the learning then becomes personal. Constantly being told that the elder knows better can be very frustrating for the child. 
7. Maintain Respect: Through every interaction, your child is learning to deal with situations in life. Would you like him to deal with others respectfully even in disagreement? Yes? Then never disrespect him/her either. 
8. Appreciate Them: In all of this, don’t miss out on their good behaviour. Always appreciate the good acts. Reward them for it. 

A power struggle is not just something you find with teenagers but they also occur in the case of the pre-schoolers. Preschool power struggles can be explained as a tug of war of “yes” and “no” between parents and their kids. Sometimes, when you tell your kid to do something immediately and the child refuses to do it and then you go on insisting your child to complete the work, there goes a series of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and it continues till one of you give up. Children’s mind works differently than their parents’ and so, their priorities are different than us. In such a situation, as parents, we must not lose patience and instead create a firm boundary of limits or rules for the children. It is necessary to explain children the rules and teach them to abide by them and sometimes reward them if they follow the rules diligently. This will provide a good system for the children to remain assertive and polite when they are asked to do something and lessen the power struggles.

Good parenting is never about getting your child to agree with you at the moment. It is about making them resilient enough to face life’s challenging situations independently, with courage and stability. Your child may comply with you today, but what gets imprinted in his/her mind is how you got it done. Because a parent is a role model for the child, he/she will most likely emulate the parent when dealing with life situations. So, keep in mind your long-term goals for your child’s personality and act accordingly.

 Stay Tuned! Stay Relevant!